


Weak at the Seams

by Sonny



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Angst, Drama, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2003-03-03
Updated: 2003-03-03
Packaged: 2017-10-13 16:29:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 18,704
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/139328
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sonny/pseuds/Sonny
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>DIRECT SEQUEL to WASTED DAYS ; Oh ... will Brian ever visit his Mikey? What has gone on since the moment Brian entered the room? Will Michael recover? Will Brian ever get to voice his feelings? UGH! The suspense!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> If I forgot to mention before most of my stuff (secretly) dedicated TO SWEETS (who knows who she is) She forced this puppy out of me with a vengeance. She's my soul sister whom I admire and adore. As always Kris ... we'll see what happens in the Aftermath of this doozy. Thanks for your unending support and guidance.

Upon entering the room, Brian felt as if he were a frightened little child plastered under the sheets as the fear of monsters, in the closet or under the bed, surfaced in the middle of the night. He closed the door on a solid slam that shook the glass. He leaned back against the paneling to quiet the noise and to support his weakening body. Putting things plainly, Brian was petrified. The intense feeling centered around the small body laying unmoving and so silent in the enormously large bed.

Michael appeared to be floating on an actual cloud. He was almost fully encased in pristine white from head to toe. If Heaven had a dress code, and this was it, Michael would be allowed access.

Inhaling a deep breath of courage, Brian closed his eyes to will strength to carry him across the room, closer to Michael. Somehow it seemed very wrong to be in a room with him and not be able to touch him. He pushed his body off the door wavering slightly on his feet. His thigh muscles locked in one position and refused to move forward.

"Come on, Kinney." Brian felt like he needed to motivate himself. "Do this for Michael. It's all in your head." The second the last word was spoken it felt like the glue unstuck his feet and he could walk normally.

Why had this been easier with Ted? Maybe because anger, some frustration, had been his motivator. Now, the only thing that pushed him a gradual step at a time, was more subtle, but no less meaningful or powerful. Pure unconditional love.

Brian barely made it successfully to the foot of Michael's bed. Clutching at the low footboard, he felt as if his legs would collapse right underneath him. For the first time, Brian knew what "The Vapors" meant. Dear God! What was coming over him? His lungs tried to fill with air. He couldn't get over the sensation of having run a thousand miles in hundred degree weather.

The door to Michael's room opened. Gwen rushed to Brian's side as she regretted leaving him on his own to face his gut wrenching fear. She went to the bed stand to pour a cup full of water. She put the plastic to Brian's lips. "Slow sips, honey." She reached out a hand to push the wet bangs off of his perspiring forehead.

Brian took the offered cup and drank as best he could. He closed his eyes as he felt Gwen's fingers individually comb through his hair. He felt like such a fool. "Why can't I fucking do this? I feel like I'm dying."

Gwen moved quickly to bring over a random chair so she could help Brian take a seat off his unsteady feet. "No one said this would be easy. Your reaction tells me this might be the first time you've ever been forced to face this kind of emotion with a loved one."

"Fathers don't count?" Brian used his hands to cover his embarrassed face.

"Were you two close? If not, there would be a fat chance of that."

"No, we weren't. Not like Michael and I." Brian turned his head to glance out the window. Michael would have loved to see this view. It was decent. "I did love him."

"Brian, don't use past tense. Michael will..."

Brian placed a hand over Gwen's that landed on his arm. "No, Gwen. I'm talking about Jack Kinney. My dear old Dad. I did. I loved him."

Gwen rubbed the surface of Brian's sweater. She liked the feel of the heavy wool. "You don't have to convince me. I believe you."

"I never told him."

This time Gwen squatted down to Brian's eye level. "You know, sometimes, it's better for them not to know. We feel that they don't have such power over us."

Brian looked directly into Gwen's eyes. "I never told Michael, either." He began to feel the tightening in his chest wall again. "Shit! I said words that sounded like I told him, but... " He doubled over in the chair. "Christ! I feel like I'm gonna up chuck." He sat forward in order to place his head between his knees. It was a ridiculous position for Brian to find himself in, but it did ease the pain some. He felt the tiny caress of Gwen's palm with a wet washcloth on the back of his neck. "That... feels wonderful." He began to feel good as he slowly breathed in and out.

"I think you'll be fine, Brian. You're over the worst part."

"Are you sure?"

"You want to try standing?" Gwen stood nearby as she held out her hands.

"Now?!" Brian's voice cracked with the fear as if she asked him to cut his own throat.

She went back down to the same level to look directly at Brian. She patted his knees in comfort. "Honey, we'll do whatever makes you comfortable. I'm psyched that you even came in here. I didn't think you had it in you." Gwen was trying to build up Brian's self- confidence.

"I'm such a fucking coward. All talk and no action."

"Stop that!" Gwen swatted at Brian's thigh. "I don't see anyone in this room, for Michael, other then you."

"Am I really here?" Brian raised his head slightly higher to see over Gwen's shoulder so he could catch a tiny view of Michael. "Yeah, I think I will try standing."

"Great! Okay!" Gwen stood and prepared her body in front of Brian's tall frame in case he was slightly off balance. He pushed his body up abruptly. "Excellent. You are doing so well." She continued to encourage him as they both took baby steps to the left side of Michael's bed.

"I'm gonna try to reach that chair over there." Brian hoped he sounded optimistic. He didn't know what the hell was going on with his body and why it wouldn't cooperate. His mind knew exactly where he wanted to be, but his damned legs felt like they were made of lead.

Gwen moved from the front of Brian to stay at his side keeping a steady hand over his lower back. She barely touched him, just hovering over his body, as she followed him at whatever pace he could manage. "I'm right here. Keep going. You're doing great." Brian stopped as he heard Gwen's words, knew she was in the room, but they weren't registering in his mind. "I'm having that feeling again." As he almost collapsed like he did earlier, he looked at how close he was to the empty chair. So, so close.

"Okay. All right." In a carefree mother-hen voice, Gwen made a quick trek to drag the nearby chair over. Despite the sudden rearranging of furniture, she was confident in his slow progress. Brian used the long, high railing on the side of the bed to ease himself into the chair. "Gwen... " He appeared to be locked into one position.

Gwen was there knowing exactly what was needed. "You're fine. A chair's right behind you. Drop down."

Brian literally plopped in the seat. "This is gonna be an extremely long day."

Gwen laughed with ease as she knelt at his side. "Look and see how far you've come." She moved slightly to show that Michael lay just behind her, within reach if Brian was up to the next huge step.

Brian could only stare at Michael's perfectly shaped, pale flesh as it lay so passively against the hospital's crisp bed linens. He rested his mouth and chin on the folded hands he placed between his knees as he sat forward. He didn't know if his face showed any relief at all. He needed to touch Michael so badly. The tears pooled in his eyes as he realized how that very thought put the fear of God in him. "Good Lord! I'm a wreck."

Gwen reached out a hand to shake Brian's shoulder in reassurance. "You're only human."

"My chest is pounding through my ears."

Chuckling lightly, Gwen pulled herself up and was at the right height to place a hand over Brian's mop of brown locks and ruffle it. "That's only your heart making sure you're alive." She paused to watch Brian for a few seconds to make sure he was okay. "You gonna be all right if I leave you?"

"Yeah, I'm good."

"Swell." Gwen patted his shoulder. "Ring me at the nurse's station if you, or Michael, need anything." She showed Brian the nurse's call button as she made her way out of the room closing the door softly.

The quiet told Brian he was alone with Michael, again. The image Michael projected of laying so still on the bed made Brian feel intimidated. Out of his hands and into someone else's. There was nothing Brian had in his power to change any of it. While Gwen had demonstrated the bell to Brian, she had secretly lowered the side rail. Michael's hand was in a better position to reach out for and hold. If only Brian had enough strength to take the open offering and hang on.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The cot arrived as Gwen was giving the next nurse her patient report for the evening/night shift. The nurse at seven in the evening was the same one from the night before. Maggie wasn't a bad nurse, but there was something more reassuring about Gwen that Brian was going to miss.

They had placed the bare cot over on the other side of the wall. It was on the opposite end of the room from Michael's bed. Brian didn't know if he liked that arrangement. He was standing in the middle of the room, contemplating a move, when the door crept open. He turned at the waist to see who was calling.

"Brian," Gwen stood holding the door completely dressed for the cold weather outside. "I'm on my way home. Is there anything you'll need tonight?"

Brian wondered why she cared so much. The attention was nice. "Nah. We'll be fine." He waved his hands as if she had no need to be worried.

Gwen glanced behind her before she stepped in the room. "I don't normally do this, but I have a hunch you wouldn't abuse the offer." She paced over to the bed stand near Michael and pulled from the drawer the complimentary notepad and pen. She used the tiny flat surface to write some information on the blank sheet. "Here's my home phone. It's unlisted. Underneath is my cell phone. Please use them if things get kind of hairy, or if you think you'll need that early morning hot cocoa chat. Okay?"

Brian took the paper as he shook his head. "You don't have to do this."

"Yeah. I do."

"What would your slave master think?"

Gwen was shocked that Brian had been paying attention to her watchful co-worker. "Stupid and crazy, as usual... but then again, I always have therapy." She made a looney face that made Brian chuckle. She was almost back out the door when she paused at the doorway. "Seriously, though... I'm invested in you two. I wanna know how the story will end."

"I can't guarantee a quick, happy ending."

"Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet."

"Pearls of wisdom?"

"Chinese fortune cookie."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

 **  
_"Psst! Brian?"_   
**

"Hmm... wha-... ?" Brian rolled over in his makeshift bed to discover Michael hanging over the edge of his mattress. His voice was barely above a whisper. "I thought... you're not..." Michael had been unconscious before he'd fallen asleep, so what the hell was going on?

 _  
**"Can't sleep."**   
_

"Thanks a lot. Now, neither can I." Brian couldn't fathom what he was witnessing. A miraculous recovery? Looking at his wristwatch, he rubbed at his sleep ridden eyes. "Mikey, it's two in the morning." He shook his head to help release the fog in his mind.  
 ** _  
"Ssh... I think I hear Ma." Michael quickly disappeared back under the covers._**

Brian turned his head to see the silhouette of a younger, trimmer Debbie Novotny waiting in the doorway. The room seemed to refocus into the childhood bedroom of the past.  
 ** _  
"Was'a'matta? Can't sleep, Brian?"_**

"Yep. What's your excuse?" Thirty-year-old Brian filled the body and spoke the words of fourteen-year-old Brian nearly two decades ago.  
 ** _  
"Late shift. Hafta work for a livin', son. Can't get by on just these good looks alone." Despite the need for an attitude adjustment, Debbie was growing to like Michael's new friend. "Your Mom know you're spendin' the night?"_**

"Uh-huh." Brian resettled his body on the floor, trying to show he was growing tired and willing to fall back asleep.  
 ** _  
"Okay." Debbie had an inkling that possibly wasn't true. "You boys know tomorrow's a school day?"_**

"Yeah," Brian did one better as he shut his eyes and folded his hands so innocently over his stomach. "School's closed 'cause of some stupid teacher's conference." _ ****_

 **  
_"You sure? You're not tryin' to screw with me?"_   
**

Brian chuckled at how at ease Debbie was with smartasses like him. "No, Mrs. Novotny. My folks were complainin' about what to do with me this mornin'."  
 ** _  
"I believe you. You two got any plans?"_**

"No. Not really." ** __**

 **  
_"Excellent!" Debbie leaned back against the doorjamb. "I could really use some extra hands at the Diner. A few hours of light duty between breakfast and lunch. Bus tables, refill coffee and water glasses and other stuff. I can get Gene to grill up cheeseburgers and fries for you boys." Debbie hadn't heard a reply from Brian. "You can have the rest of the day all to yourselves."_   
**

Brian released a heavy sigh. "Sounds like a 'go', Mrs. Novotny."  
 _ **  
"Name's Debbie. I may be older then you, but I sure ain't dead, yet." Michael had the most awesome Mom.**_

Brian found himself giggling like the child he was never allowed to be. "We'll be there, Debbie. When do you need us?"  
 ** _  
"Between 10-10:30 in the morning. Wear t-shirts and jeans." Debbie watched her son's new friend for a few minutes before she continued. "Sleep tight, honey." She had an odd feeling that this Kinney boy had never been tucked in by either of his parents. It broke her heart._**

Brian swallowed past the lump of emotion lodged in his throat. "Thanks, Debbie. G'night."

The door slowly creaked shut taking away the glow from the hallway. The bedroom was back to being almost dark again, save for a single beam of moonlight coming through the window. Brian reopened his eyes to intake a deep breath.

 **  
_"Hey, Bri!"_   
**

Brian was spooked by Michael's harsh intrusion. "Christ! You fuckin' scared me!"  
 ** _  
"Howdja do that?"_**

"What?" When Brian turned his head toward Michael, he found him back to hanging over the edge of the mattress.

 **  
_"Talk to Ma."_   
**

Brian shrugged like it was no big deal. "She's cooler then most Moms. You don't know how lucky you are."  
 ** _  
Michael made a scrunchy face. "She treats me like a baby."_**

"You are her baby, Mikey."  
 ** _  
"Don't get me wrong. It's sweet, but I gotta grow up sometime. I don't wanna be treated this way when I'm thirty."_**

Brian laughed then murmured under his breath, "Good luck with that."

 **  
_"Huh?"_   
**

"Never mind. Go back to sleep."

 **  
_"Are you tired?"_   
**

"I would be, if you'd let me."  
 ** _  
Michael went about to speak as if he hadn't heard a word. "Want me to read the new issue? Uncle Vic sent me more comics from New York to catch me up to speed. I think we left off on... "_**

"Mikey, we can't be up all night."  
 ** _  
"No sweat!" Michael scooted about his bed, under the blankets, to find his flashlight, then reached over to his night stand to pick up the comic book folded on the last page they'd read from a few days ago. "You wanna look at the pictures while I read?" From his sitting position on the bed, Michael looked down at the floor to where Brian lay feigning sleep._**

"Go ahead and read."

 **  
_Pushing back the corner of his comforter, Michael patted the empty space he'd made for Brian. "Get up here, Brian. It'll be warmer."_   
**

Brian shook his head upon his pillow without opening his eyes. "Bed's too small. I'll be fine."  
 ** _  
"No you won't, liar. You'll toss-n-turn like you usually do. Get your hot ass in this bed! Dammit!"_**

"Jeez, when you say it so sweetly like that." Brian climbed in carrying his pillow with him. As he began to lie down, dragging the covers over both their shivering bodies, he wondered over something said. "Mikey, you really think my ass is H-O-T?"  
 ** _  
"Me... and the thirty other guys waiting in line." Michael made a face filled with envy. He waited for Brian to get his body situated._**

The pillow went to rest along his back as Brian leaned against the headboard. He tugged Michael's pillow over to tuck it against his chest. Michael shimmied his butt close enough so Brian could wrap an arm around his tiny waist. Once he was comfy, Brian placed his cheek on the top of Michael's sweet smelling raven black hair.

This was quickly becoming Brian's favorite position. He could pretend to be looking at the comic, whenever he needed to, but he really liked the way Michael played out the scenes. Changing voices for certain characters and acting out actions with his hands. Brian didn't mind the crick in his neck he usually got from sleeping in this awkward angle. As long as he could hold Michael, feel his words through his belly and sense his radiant warmth, Brian was at peace.

 _If only this could last... forever._

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Brian's eyelids opened steadily as he adjusted to where he was this early in the morning. Still in the hospital at Michael's bedside.

Two weeks strong and no change. Damn, if that little bastard wasn't getting stubborn. Shuffling his head about the pillow, Brian raised his eyes to look over at Michael in the bed. That hand lay, so innocently, just tempting him as it had originally done a few weeks ago.

He moved his head higher to see the head of the bed. Michael had not moved one inch in this sleeping position. Steadily keeping a close eye on him, Brian held out a tentative finger to touch Michael. He felt foolish for being unable to even do one minor action, but he thought avoiding the problem would help get him through this difficult time. Instead, abstaining from that extreme sense of touch he shared with Michael severed an intense connection to his best friend he'd been missing for much too long. One of them had to give in.

A week ago he'd felt better at moving closer to Michael's bed, instead of clear across the room. He had placed the cot going in the same direction as Michael lay in bed, so he had some nights where he basically went to sleep watching Michael. In a weird way, it was soothing. He was relearning each slope and plane of his beautiful face. A face he'd seen for over too many long years that seemed to grow as a part of him. Right now it was strange and thrilling. Anytime, Brian expected the lids to flicker and Michael to wake up. It never happened.

The only time Michael seemed to come alive was in Brian's dreams. They were usually only past images with the teenage boys replaced by adult men. He found comfort in using the visions as his way of compensating for being unable to function with Michael in the real world. An unconscious Michael was difficult to talk to and much harder to deal with.

The door opened swiftly with Gwen coming in with her back end first. "Okay, Kinney. I got you a blueberry and a cinnamon raisin." She walked over to the bed table that they would have been using for Michael's food trays, but since he was unable to, it had become Brian's for the stay. "Today their blends bordered on froo- frooey, namby-pamby, creamy sweets... so I got you the Carribean blend you said you liked the other day." She was spreading out the contents of her paper bag and the coffee container. Rolling the table over toward Brian, she lowered it for him to be able to reach. She plopped down near his legs under the covers. "So, how was last night?"

Brian was tearing into the bagels with cream cheese and butter as he talked to Gwen with an ease they mastered over the long weeks of waiting. "I dreamed about us again. He fell asleep in my arms, reading those Astro comic books. If Michael wakes up soon, I'm gonna beat the living shit outta him for implanting those stories so deeply in my memory."

"There's no shame in those memories, Brian. You might think they're small and useless, but to Michael they were his world before you came in. Sharing his love for them was his way of letting you in and showing his love for you."

Brian scrunched up his face. "Hopeless romantic."

"Foolish cynic."

"Lindsay called me last night."

"About?"

"She wants to know if I'll let Gus come in for a few minutes."

"What do you want to do?"

"She says Gus is getting worried over Michael. He hasn't seen him in so long. I must admit to kind of avoiding him, so I don't have to be the one explaining Michael's absence. I think the excuses have run out." Brian took a drink of the cooling coffee. "But what does it say about me when I can't even bare to touch Michael without freaking out, yet my own son can walk in with no fear. Probably go right to Michael."

Gwen shrugged her shoulder as she swiped a piece of Brian's bagel. "He's a child. His thoughts lay on a simple level. Michael's missing, so let's go find him. Michael's sick, so let's make him better. Us old folks have had too much thrown in our faces that we fear so much of what children don't. Our options aren't so cut-n-dried like Gus believes." She reached out to pat Brian's leg. "Might do you some good to see Gus interact with Michael. Michael needs a different stimulus. I think he's grown tired of the same old, same old."

"Speak for yourself."

"I'll let you get up, take a shower and eat your breakfast in peace." Gwen stood up to walk to Michael laying on the bed. She bent down to his level almost near his ear. "Wake up, Sleeping Beauty. Your Prince Charming misses you." She heard Brian making strangling noises behind her. "Pay no attention to the Beast behind me." She looked over Michael's unmoving face. "I think he's got more color, Brian."

"You would pay attention to something like that."

"Don't listen to him, beautiful." Gwen pressed a kiss to Michael's cool temple as she brushed the back of her hand down his soft cheek. "He feels slightly warmer, too." This was intriguing for her thoughts.

"I wouldn't really know about that, would I?" Brian nagged in response.

Gwen turned around putting her hands on her hips. "Boy, someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning. Ungrateful snot." She pretended to be offended as she stomped out of the room.

"Thank you, dear." Brian yelled belatedly at Gwen on her way out the door. He sat in the middle of his cot enjoying the unexpected breakfast contemplating how to tell Lindsay that Gus could visit sometime today.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"Hello?"

"Lindsay?"

"Brian? Wha-... ?"

"Where's my Sonny Boy?"

"Taking a nap. Why?"

"Bring him."

"Brian, I..." Lindsay caught her throat on some emotion. "Wha-... when do you want us to come?" She didn't want to lose the opportunity.

"I'd say right now, but wait until he wakes up."

"What changed your mind? I thought..."

"Never mind. I thought about what you said. You were right." Lindsay was speechless. "Don't worry, I won't tell Mel."

"Good. I gotta rep to protect."

"Gus will be so happy. Maybe we'll finally get a complete night of rest."

"I'm sorry, Linds. I'll see you in a few."

"Uh... okay, Brian." Lindsay didn't know how else to show her appreciation. "Thank you. So much." She wondered how much this was taking out of Brian to have to watch his best friend lay ill and be unable to do a thing for him but wait. The other line hung up before she could say much else, but it helped when she felt the tears rush in her eyes. She put her head down and let out the long awaited release.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Brian had taken to sitting on the extended window sill ledge, that he probably shouldn't be using, as it gave him a chance to sit at the window, enjoy the view and still be able to keep an eye on Michael.

He flipped his wrist over to see that it had been more than two hours since he called Lindsay. As he lifted his head to gaze out the glass again, the doorknob turned making him look up suddenly.

Gus came barreling through the door. "Daddy!" He ran straight for Brian who had knelt on the floor to wrap his son in the blanket he had around his shoulders. "I missed you." He sloppily kissed Brian's face in excitement.

"I've missed you, too!" Brian returned the gooey kisses in exaggeration that made Gus giggle in delight. He tried to quiet his son's boisterous laughter, but it was contagious. "Sshh, we need to stay quiet." Brian lifted Gus into his arms.

"Mommy said we'd be seeing Michael." Gus tried to look around him unable to find the familiar face. "Where is he? I colored for him."

Brian knew this moment had to come. He walked them nearer to the bed. "He's right here, Gus."

"Where?" Gus looked sad not to have noticed Michael. His sharp eyes followed his Daddy's pointing finger. His gaze widened in shock. "Put me down." Gus began to squirm. "Now, Daddy!"

Brian released him as ordered, but kept a close eye on Gus's reaction. Gwen and Lindsay entered at the moment when the child reached the foot of the bed. They stood still just as watchful as Brian. They had no idea if this was frightening for Gus.

Gus could barely see over the high bed, but he crept closer keeping a steady eye on Michael's unmoving form. His little hand lay a top the blankets covering Michael. Stepping nearer, Gus allowed his hand to follow a trail slightly above the material. He ended up right where Michael's own hand lay tucked above the sheets.

The adults held a collective breath not sure what Gus was going to do or how he'd react to Michael.

"Mike?" Gus's tiny voice called out for an answer. He got brave and snatched onto Michael's fingers. "Uncle Mike?" When he got no response, Gus seemed more perturbed then upset. Like Michael was playing a cruel joke. He didn't know what to do with a Michael who didn't laugh or run up to tickle him and hold him close. Not even saying "Hello". As if he were the only person in the room, Gus took hold of Michael's hand in both his tiny ones, cradling it like a fragile butterfly. He rubbed at the soft skin lovingly as he placed kisses on the knuckles. Once he had enough of the kissing, Gus kept Michael's hand in one of his and used the palm to rub against his own cheek. "Poor Michael." He knew something was wrong, but unafraid to face the pain. His thoughts only centered around his friend laying so quiet in the big bed. His short arm tried to reach up to place a palm on top of Michael's forehead, like checking for a fever.

Brian broke out of his trance. "Here, son." Without realizing what happened, Brian found himself closer to Michael then he'd been in weeks. He lifted Gus to sit on his lap. Gus hadn't let go of Michael once in the rush. He had situated his body right near Michael's hip where there was room to sit. He attempted not to come into contact with any other part of Michael. He was already trying to hide the tears in his eyes.

Gus found Brian's avoidance of Michael fairly strange. He knew his Daddy didn't mean to hurt Michael, but he was upset that Brian refused to touch him. With the innocence of age, he placed Michael's hand inside Brian's open palm. "Squeeze tightly, Daddy. Michael will know you're here."

Brian had to turn his face in shame. Why had it taken him so long to do what Gus did in twenty seconds? He wasn't about to look at the simple idea of Michael's hand in his own. Brian did squeeze the appendage as tightly as he was able. The warmth of Michael's skin was something he'd been aching for. Almost a frantic grasp of hope.

"Is Michael sleeping, Daddy?"

"Sort of." Brian closed his eyes, cleared the lump in his throat and turned to finally rest his eyes on the sight of Michael. Funny that for as long as he'd been in this room, Brian hadn't bothered taking the time to soak in Michael's presence. He recalled days when Michael had been awake, walking around, that no minute would be spared from them holding or touching one another. Feeling more calm, Brian stretched his right arm across Michael's body which brought Gus closer. "See... Michael got hurt. Hurt his head and right now, the aches tire him out. He's letting his body rest so he'll get better for us. The problem is we can't wake Michael from this sleep."

"Is that why we hafta be quiet?" Gus took all the information in stride.

Brian nodded his head. A lock of light brown hair fell over Gus's eyes. He combed it off his son's forehead. "Wanna give Michael a kiss? Then you, mommy and I can go have dinner?"

Gus initiated the move to crawl toward Michael's face. He placed a long, tender kiss to the pale cheek nearest to him. "Love you, Uncle Mike. I hope you feel better soon. I miss you." He whispered the words close to Michael's available ear. His tiny hand patted the exposed area of upper chest where the hospital gown sloped down at the neckline. He could feel the steady heartbeat underneath. Gus didn't feel right leaving Michael without having those special arms around him. He did the best he could, of his own accord, by moving to lay his small head directly over Michael's heart. From the cup of his earlobe, once he shut his eyes tight enough, Gus was able to hear the strong thumping. He tried to get his short arms to completely reach around Michael, but only got so far.

Brian had never truly known what went on when Michael watched Gus or tucked his son in at night. He believed that what happened between them was private and theirs to keep. He vowed not to intrude.

Watching Gus handle visiting Michael, better then any of his peers, Brian discovered he had no worries. No matter what would transpire during their relationship, he could count on Michael's unconditional love and respect for his son. That was precious knowledge for Brian to have about his best friend. He felt quick tugs on his shirt.

Brian gazed at Gus intently, adoring his son the more he got to know him. "Yeah."

"I did some color pictures for Michael. Can I give them to him?"

"Sure. This will be Michael's room, for now. We can hang them on that wall over there. That way when he gets better, Michael can see them." Brian helped his son to the floor and waited for his return. He knew Lindsay and Gwen were behind him, watching him for a response. He couldn't turn around. His head was beginning to pound profusely. Gus returned holding two sheets of white art paper, probably 8 x 10 or larger. He openly displayed the first one. Brian sat back impressed with the drawings. "Did your Mom help you?" They were obviously done by a child, but Brian couldn't help teasing Gus.

"No!" Gus was extremely proud of his hidden talents. "I drew them all by myself." He peeked over the edge to look at his picture. "It's a picnic at Gran'ma Debbie's."

"I see that." Brian found a secret hilarity in Gus's depiction of the true nature to each individual character. "What's the next one?"

"Uncle Mike and I havin' fun and stuff. I picked the ones I 'membered the best. When we laughed until our bellies hurt."

Brian swallowed with difficulty. He wondered about his own memories of Michael. Would they all fit on that single sliver of paper? All the times that Michael had made it the most important thing to break him out of his self-induced funk.

Lindsay couldn't bear to be so far across the room any longer. She moved to the left side of Michael's bed, lowered the side rail and sat herself beside him on the mattress. "God, this feels weird." She now understood what Brian must be going through.

Brian tucked Gus between his legs. He felt his son draw his little body closer to wrap his arms around his waist and rest his head on his Daddy's chest. He dropped a kiss on the small mop of hair while brushing fingers through the mess of light brown locks. "Tell me about it."

"I'm sorry." Lindsay threw out the apology.

"What the hell for?"

"For abandoning Michael... and you. I think after we had the family meeting, no one thought he'd remain like this for so long."

She drew up her leg so she could see Brian, and Michael, as well. "Foolishly thought we could cope by distancing ourselves. Instead we seem to have made things worse."

"How so?"

"The logical thinking only helped us so far. We believed the pain was easier to deal with if we let go of Michael. Little did we realize how much he'd become a part of our daily routines. A piece of our family fabric that holds us together, brings us closer. Without it, we became lost." She reached out an unsteady hand to caress Michael's cheek. Tears escaped freely down her face. "He's so warm." She seemed surprised with this fact.

"He's sneaky that way. When he's there, right under your nose, doggin' your every move, you'd like to see the back end of him. Then he disappears and life completely stops."

"Everyone has been getting together for dinner each Sunday since the accident. We potluck or Debbie caters to us, but we eat at the house. Last week, Debbie added a dinner outing on Wednesday. One of us makes reservations at a random restaurant. So far, no one has missed an occasion."

"Michael would like to hear that."

"We try to avoid it. We start out with the best intentions. The conversations end up centering around Michael... and you."

Brian looked shocked. "Me? Why?"

Lindsay shrugged unable to pinpoint an exact reason. "We miss you, too, Brian."

"Is that possible?"

"You'd be surprised."

"Why are you telling me all this?"

Lindsay became stuck by her own reasoning. Brian actually had no idea to the length of time he'd been by Michael's side. "Today is Wednesday."

"Jesus Christ!" Brian quickly came up from the bed. He set Gus's pictures on the cot. Gus wanted to be held by his Daddy. Brian complied and carried his son over to the window ledge. Dear God! Time had flown by all too suddenly. He felt Gus wrap his short arms around him almost knowing what he needed. That little move made Brian think of Michael's unnatural ability to be compassionate for everyone else but himself. He pressed a delicate kiss to Gus's temple silently conveying his thanks. How could he have allowed this to happen? Turning to put his back to the window, Brian used Gus to hopefully hide the emotions brewing forth. "Can I come?" He spoke as if Lindsay might refuse him.

"Oh, Brian." Lindsay thought how ridiculous it sounded for Brian to even ask. She made her way over to him, but kept far enough away to allow him space. "No one knew how to approach you and ask."

Brian found he could barely speak. "Are they ready to see me?"

Lindsay nodded in a mismatch of laughter and tears. "Of course, silly."

"Good." Brian attempted to hide his tears. "Give me a few minutes and I'll go with you."

"Sure." Lindsay had meant to hold out her hands to take Gus, but somehow their son didn't get the message.

The awkward predicament required Lindsay and Brian to simulate a terrible excuse for a hug. They laughed uncomfortably.

Frustrated by their common secret decision to try so hard to avoid each other, Lindsay went straight into Brian's arms. She took him Gus and all. "Good Lord!" She let out the breath she'd been holding in. She then discovered that Brian wasn't loosening his arm from around her waist.

Brian didn't want to let either person in his grasp go. He wanted to say more then his mouth was willing to release. "I can't... I wanted... I just don't . . ."

Lindsay soothed Brian along his back. "We'll get through this... the right way, honey. I promise." She never imagined Brian had been repressing so much feeling, needlessly burdening his shoulders. She felt such guilt. "Oh, sweetie." Brian let his head tuck into her neck. She could feel the slight moisture fall to her skin. That undid her composure. "You're okay. You'll be all right. You don't have to deal with this alone anymore. I'll make sure of that." She talked right through her own tears, never wanting to release Brian or their son.

Gwen watched them until she composed herself to make it back outside and get back to work. She was happy for Brian. More pleased for her patient for what this could mean for his healing and the future.

Quietly, she crept from the room.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Lindsay brought Gus inside the restaurant after Brian dropped them at the front door. She hoped to have enough time to prepare them before he showed up. The hostess met her at the door as she walked in. Lindsay didn't need any help finding the table. She could place them from the front of the room.

The hostess took their coats as Lindsay and Gus stepped further into the illuminated warmth of the quaint building. Gus took off for the tables to be swarmed by welcoming arms and loving kisses galore. Lindsay felt obligated to hold back her approach for Brian's sake.

The owners had to place three of their largest tables together to hold the huge Novotny party. They hadn't bothered asking what the occasion was being celebrated. Not many of the people in the party looked like each other. This was a motley crew of the oddest "family" they'd ever hosted for dinner.

Lindsay caught sight of Melanie, hanging over Vic's shoulder as he regaled another story to the crowd. Each person seemed broken into clicks as they waited for the last body to arrive.

Melanie spotted Lindsay and wondered why she wasn't progressing over to the table any faster. They shared a look that asked questions only they would understand. Lindsay nodded her head in silent response. Melanie glanced over all the heads around the tables. The show would have to begin. She walked over to drag Lindsay over. Wrapping an arm around Lindsay's elbow, Melanie brought her into the mix of familiar faces. "Look who made it, finally."

Faces turned in mid-smile and laughter filtered through.

"Hey, Blondie, come sit next to me." Vic offered the chair next to him.

"Don't mind if I do, kind sir." Justin sneaked the seat for himself. Ethan chuckled and took the next empty seat beside Justin. "Hands off, dirty man!" He pointed in the direction to his left.

Vic shook his head. "Not interested."

Ethan hooked a thumb toward Justin. "I'm not talkin' to you, Vic."

Justin wrapped an arm around Vic's chair. "Come here often, beautiful."

Vic actually blushed as he pushed Justin's foolish attentions away. "Save it, Goldilocks!"

Everyone was amused by the teasing.

"I'm sorry for being so late. I had some business to take care of." Lindsay stopped to grab onto the back of an empty chair.

Ted held out a chair for Emmett. "Hmm, really?" He raised his eyebrows toward his companion.

"What 'kind' of business?" Emmett asked from his natural need-to- know kicking in.

"This kind." While too busy in other conversations and keeping their eyes on Lindsay and Melanie, Brian had found a moment to sneak in behind the potted plants.

Everyone and everything stopped in a millisecond of time. Lindsay and Melanie looked about all the faces in the private room. Brian glanced at his girls wondering if the reaction meant this had been a bad idea.

Brian laughed nervously as he watched all eyes drop to the floor. "I could leave, turn around and come back... try this again?" No one spoke in response. He swiveled around to do just as he said, but he thought he'd go a step further and drive away.

"Kinney! You get that sweet ass back over here!"

Brian turned to discover Debbie making her way over. Consummate icebreaker that she was. He had tucked his hands behind his back unwilling to reveal that he was shaking. He didn't know what to expect.

Debbie paused just short of being right next to Brian holding her arms open wide. "Where's my damn hug?" She sounded truly angry as she held in her tears.

Eyes moved to Brian wondering if he'd use his normal attitude of disrespect and rudeness.

In a small voice, Brian spoke up in response. "Right where you fuckin' left it."

Untrained ears would assume Brian's words were meant to offend. Only Debbie and Brian remembered their old routine. All would be forgiven. The past laid to rest.

"Get over here, you asshole!" The tears fell silently as she grabbed onto Brian's shoulders for dear life. The strongest shoulders she'd ever known. "I'm sorry, kiddo." She mumbled the poor apology into his shirt.

"I know." Brian patted her back affectionately. He glanced frantically about the crowd of faces knowing how embarrassing Debbie could be sometimes.

"You piss me off!" She blurted out.

"I know." Brian had to laugh at her foolish rage.

"Jesus, I don't know why I put up with you!"

"I know." Brian couldn't tell who she was more angry at, herself or him. He wanted to hold on, but she let go so quickly.

Debbie wiped at her eyes. Carl had walked up behind her to lay a supportive hand on her shoulder. "I missed you... we all have missed you." Her hands reached out to grab for Brian. "I have so much to thank you for... I don't know where to start."

Brian kept his eyes solely on Debbie. "Then let's sit, order some food and see what happens." He held out a chair at the head of the tables for her.

Feeling like a queen, Debbie did as Brian desired. No one could move an inch. "Come on," She ordered her troops into motion. "You heard him. Sit." Like a uniform drill team every chair got snatched quickly. There was no chair left for Brian to take. Debbie frowned while she made to stand and get their waiter's attention.

Carl pushed her back down. "Allow me." He diplomatically found another chair that sat empty along one of the walls in the other rooms. He returned to place the chair on the other side of Debbie, opposite from him. "Here you go, son."

Brian sat down in silence. "Thanks, Carl." Funny, how he didn't feel the need to cop any attitude except being grateful for acceptance into the "family", again. In another place and time, Carl would have reminded him of Jack and Brian might have reacted differently. Instead he chose the higher road, thinking of Michael and wondering what he would have thought of this kind of thing happening. Brian actually thinking about the consequences before making a decision.

They all went back to having conversations with each other, while allowing Brian a chance to let the ambience sink in. This would be what a world without having Michael in it might be like. Scarey, but exciting. There were still people here who loved him and whom he loved as well, but not as deeply as Michael.

Brian kept quiet as he people-watched. Debbie and Carl, at his side, seemed fairly close. He couldn't help noticing the way Debbie's hand lay on the table cloth and the little measures Carl took to touch her. Next to Carl was Melanie, Gus in the middle and Lindsay beside him. The two women were helping his son read his menu. Jennifer was to Lindsay's right with Daphne rounding out the side of the table.

They were talking with a familiar face at the opposite head of the table. Brian was shocked to see Michael's real father taking his patriarchal position. Danny Devore wasn't dressed in anything but what any normal father would come to for a special dinner. What shocked Brian was that Danny was here at all. He had thought Michael and he had said their peace a year ago and parted ways.

Starting on the other side of the table, to Danny's right, was Vic, Justin and then Ethan. Next came Ted and Emmett who were quietly sharing a single menu between them. They looked cute as a couple. When Brian came to the last person, on his left, he found familiar sharp blue/green eyes boring into his hazel ones.

"Hi, Brian."

"Tracey, isn't it?" Brian hoped he got her name right. God, the last time he'd seen her was Michael's debacle of a thirtieth birthday party. He had spilled the beans about Michael being gay to the one person who had no clue. He had wondered if that time Michael would walk away and leave him be. The plan was successful. He'd done what Debbie wanted, but forgot how hard he could push people when someone else was shoving. Tracey and Michael had been embarrassed and hurt by his actions that night. Michael had forgiven him, but he had never known what Tracey thought about him.

"I heard about Michael the day after his accident." Tracey didn't know how to speak around Brian. He was quite intimidating to look at and even more menacing to sit next to. She had thought him weird when she'd been introduced to him early in her friendship with Michael. He must have some redeeming qualities if Michael could stand him. "Debbie thought to call and invite me as part of the family. I feel blessed she even remembered me."

"Michael would have loved to see you."

That statement hit her hard. "Really?" She swallowed heavily as she reached out for her glass of water. "I've missed him. Once he left the Big Q things haven't been the same. We tried to go out a few times for dinner or drinks, but our schedules always seemed to pass each other." She looked at Brian closely wondering if she could ask him the million-dollar question. "How is he?"

"Improving slowly." Brian noticed that everyone's conversations seemed to die down so ears could listen in. "They took the trach out of his throat last week. Michael breathed on his own for once. That means a few of the machines are gone. Now, it's all in Michael's hands. Every day is a slow step forward."

"I'm sure you're glad to be there." Tracey smiled sweetly.

"Sometimes I wonder if I really am. There are days when I wake up, I shower and dress myself, but I feel like I'm still not focusing on the right thing. Should be for Michael, but I wander off onto some stupid shit."

"Michael would want you there no matter what you did." Debbie interrupted placing her hand over Brian's on his thigh. "Sometimes you have no idea how badly I want to see him, but... I just..."

"Be glad your safe, Deb. That's a frightening room to be in." He reached out to keep Debbie's hand in his as a reassurance as he continued to speak. "He's there, laying right in front of me, but he's not there like he supposed to be. I can't get it around my head that it's him."

The waiter decided to show his face prepared to take each individual order. "Separate checks or all together?"

No one said anything, except looked to each other.

Brian spoke to the waiter directly. "All together."

Then every voice decided to speak up at once. "No!" "Don't do that!" "Brian, please!" "It's too expensive."

Brian sliced his hand through the air. "Stop it! I won't listen to anything you all say unless it's to say 'Thank You'."

The group combined their responses. "Thank you." "Thanks, Brian." They began to give their orders and watched until the waiter left their private room before deciding to say one more word to each other. Brian felt comfortable enough to figure he could say a few words to everyone as a secret "thank you" for allowing him back into the fold of family. He didn't feel like he deserved their attention. He leaned over to kiss Debbie's cheek as he stood up rubbing his sweaty palms on the thighs of his jeans.

"I don't know what you all really do during these dinners, but I'm thinking this might be a good time as any to straighten out a few facts. Michael is still unconscious, but improves as we speak. He's got a wonderful team of nurses, headed by a great lady who is dedicated to making Michael's healing process more comfortable for him. I've seen less of his doctors, because I choose not to be discouraged by anything they have to say. I know Michael's nurses won't bullshit me." He let a thought pass through his mind. "Michael may have made me in charge of his outcome from this accident, but I have no hidden God complexes to speak of. Hell, I barely even knew it had been three weeks since I'd seen any of you until Lindsay informed me. I want to apologize for that." He saw a few people begin to speak up, but he shot them down. "No, please, let me finish."

"Michael means something special to each of us. I know that's what usually ends up being what you talk about at these things. I'd like to say a few words about that, as well." He finally lifted his head to look across at all the faces deeply interested in each word out of his mouth. Brian knew they were transfixed by this new side of him. It was kind cool to spook them like this, keep them on their toes. "I'm may be there with him, like I told Tracey, but I don't think I've been much use. The first day I couldn't even walk into his room. Michael spent his first night there alone. Me sleeping outside in a very uncomfortable chair. The next night, they brought me a cot. A foldaway bed, really. The thing sat all the way on the other side of the room. I didn't sleep at all. I tossed and turned. I kept hearing the sounds of all Michael's machines. After awhile, it became my way of knowing that Michael was still with me and it lulled me to sleep." He noticed a few people wiping at their eyes. This sentimental Brian was making them emotional. This was a Brian they knew Michael had always felt existed behind all the bravado.

Crossing arms on his chest, Brian began to recall the following weeks. "But sleep brought the dreams. Filled with Michael and our childhood memories. I didn't know what was worse, not having him, or having him only in my head. He was alive and active, laughing and joking like the old Michael we want to have back. In the mornings, I wake up and he's there in the coma like he always is before I fall asleep. It's not been an easy road, one that I never would have chosen to take unless Michael was beside me. I haven't touched him in three weeks. I haven't been as good a best friend as everyone thinks. He's confusing me. One minute I have this light in my face guiding me toward a future where things end up like they were before this happened, but then the old negative side of me takes away all that energy. Leaves me dry and emotionless. Sometimes I'm watching him and I can't take my next breath until I see his chest fall. At those times I begin to wonder if it's enough. That I'm there. Will what I'm doing bring him to life?" They were all silent and crying into their cloth napkins. "Anyway, that's where I am. Where I've been. And I have no idea where I'm going. All I do know is that I want to be there, with him, for him, doing something to push him over some edge. I'm not ready to say goodbye..."

Brian decided to retake his chair after he finished, worn out emotionally. He allowed Debbie to hold him tightly enveloped in her motherly warmth he'd been craving.

She caressed his face lovingly. "Thank you for loving my son. I'm humbled by what you've been able to give up for him."

"No, thank you for letting me into your home. Letting Michael hang with me. I wasn't the most charming young man." Brian made a face as he remembered the terror he'd inflicted on Debbie's poor heart.

"You had your bad days, kiddo. I wouldn't have wanted you any other way. You've managed to outshine Jack Kinney in every way possible. You know that, right?"

"What do you mean?" Brian was confused by her words.

"Your father was the neighborhood charmer. Some of the single girls and mothers who moved in, renting their homes, felt misplaced and strange. I remember Jack would take it upon himself to be the local Welcome Wagon. Except he had fallen off it already. Your mother hid well behind her curtains watching him make his show that other women might find him attractive, even if she no longer did. They were pathetic, playing their head games for all the world to see. Your sister ran from it like the plague. You, Brian, seemed to take the challenge head on. Despite your scrawny frame you bullied Jack into facing his own demons."

"Yeah, unfortunately that left me with a lot of bruises."

"Michael protected you as best he could. He thought befriending Jack was the only way to help you. He liked the idea of you having a father. He was curious."

"Curiosity nearly killed him."

"But you stood up to Jack and saved my boy's life. I'll always praise you for that. You're a better man for having him in your life, Brian."

"Michael's that way for all of us."

Debbie shook her head slowly as she thought Brian didn't grasp what she had said. "I'm talkin' about Jack, honey."

"Run that by me again. In English." He folded his arms on the table and leaned forward in his chair prepared to soak up Debbie's faithful insight.

"The thing about you and Jack is that you always wanna see it from the side of the hurt child, never by the grown man. You look older but what still lays within you is that battered and beaten little soul unable to run free. I think you're beginning to get the idea with Michael. He's laying in that bed, quiet and still, but you believe somewhere inside of him is the old Michael. We all thought differently weeks ago. You held strong to the spirit of Michael. If you have that much faith in him, why can't you have it for yourself?"

"Have faith in Jack?"

"Why? He's dead. What would be the point?"

Brian nearly laughed his head off at Debbie's serious look. "Then what the hell are you saying?"

"Have you talked to Jack since the funeral?"

"No. A little difficult to manage."

"How so?"

"He's dead, remember."

"Really? Hmm..." Debbie made that familiar sound of her brain in thinking motion. "Are you sure? You try so damn hard to change that."

"Explain yourself, please."

Debbie scooted closer to Brian bending her head down to speak only to him. "Let him go. Set yourself free, sweetie. You've come so far with Michael. You're almost there."

"Almost where?"

"Where you need to be. Where you were born to be."

"Where's that?"

"Where do you think?"

Damn if she wasn't completely flabbergasting him with her mumbo- jumbo. "I give up!" Brian shook his head trying to get out of the fog Debbie had walked him into.

Emmett peeked from around Tracey's body, directing his words to Debbie. He'd been listening to her talk to Brian all along. "If you need me to, Deb, I'll go with him."

"I appreciate the offer, but I think Brian needs to want to go before we make plans."

"Where am I supposed to go?" Brian looked around the tables hoping someone was paying attention for him.

Tracey put her hand on his biceps. "Your father's grave site, Brian." Brian patted her hand in thankfulness. Someone spoke English. "You're sweet. I think we'll keep you." He watched her face blush at the compliment. "You got a boyfriend, Tracey?"

"Yeah, why?" Tracey had no idea why he asked.

"Take some advice from me. Learn to talk like Deb here and you'll have that man wrapped around your pinkie."

Debbie swatted at Brian as she laughed. "Don't change the subject." "Was there a subject?"

"You, Mr. Smartass!"

"Oh, yeah! Sorry, I got sidetracked by my confusion. Are you trying to piss me off? Do you enjoy the turmoil you catapult me in to?" "Don't be such a drama queen!"

"Okay. So when is this road trip of ours planned."

Debbie stared in bewilderment. "You mean it?!"

"Anything to get you to change the topic. Plus, I think our meals are on their way." Sure enough the waiter and a troupe of his co- workers walked in with all their plates prepared to serve each person. Debbie turned to Brian using her finger to drive home her point. "Don't think this conversation is over, buddy."

"Oh, I know it isn't, dahling." Brian teased Debbie relentlessly as he made a cruel face at her that made her laugh harder.

 

 **  
~~TBC...  
**


	2. Chapter 2

Emmett stood near the cement bench where Ted sat contemplating what they should do while waiting for Brian. He tried to use Ted's body as a shield against the freezing wind blowing across the fields. "Shit!" He straightened his back to look around the area of green grass. "Did you see where he went?" Emmett was decked out in complete lamb's wear. His hunter cap with flaps, his large mittens and to his hip length jacket were all lined inside with the wool material.

Ted glanced over his shoulder to where he had last seen Brian. "I thought you were watching him?"

"Me? Keep an eye on Brian Kinney? That's a good one."

Ted stood to look about all the different grave markers unable to locate Brian. A slight speck of cream coat was seen disappearing behind a tree. "Ah-ha! Target sighted! Let's go, Honeycutt."

Emmett wouldn't come from walking behind Ted. "I'm gonna stay here if you don't mind."

Ted tried to yank free with no luck. "I do. We won't get very far if you hang onto me like that." He proved his point by only getting a few steps forward.

"You block the wind."

"Thank you, God. Lifelong dream fulfilled. A weather deterrent."

"Just shush and lead the way, Sparky."

"Yes, dear." Ted walked them closer to where Brian was leaning against the base of a tree trunk smoking a cigarette. "So... are we done here?"

Brian sucked in a long puff and blew out the smoke. The shades hid his bloodshot eyes from exposure. The night he had in Michael's room had been rough. "I can't find him." The cold wasn't bothering him since he had been numb the minute he woke up.

Ted rolled his eyes heavenward while tucking his gloved hands inside his coat pockets. "Can't... won't... don't wanna... whatever. We thought you would be done by now. I think I left my balls on the bench back there." Ted would have expected Brian to respond with his normal glib comment, but it didn't seem to phase him. "How many is that?" Ted gestured to the cigarette in Brian's hand as he inhaled the next series of breaths.

"Four, but I lost count." Brian flicked the butt in the air watching it fall to the crisp grass. He made sure he smashed the filter under his boot. "I need to quit. Things will kill me."

"Not if I get to you first." Ted muttered through his chattering teeth as he felt Emmett huddle closer to his back when a breeze came through.

Brian turned to disappear around the other side of the tree.

Emmett peeked his head up from Ted's shoulder and saw Brian leave so quickly. "I think he heard you."

Ted felt guilty for snapping for no reason. "Brian! Hey, wait! Hold up!"

They ran behind the tree hoping to catch Brian before he truly got away from them, but when they came around the trunk they found him not very far from where he had been. His shades moved back and fourth to gaze across the fields. Brian really was telling the truth. He had no idea where his father's grave was.

"Do you remember anything?" Emmett asked in a compassionate voice putting in a good effort to look around with him.

"Kind of in a daze that day." Brian threw out the bland excuse hoping to get this moment over with.

"Michael would have known." Ted didn't know why he spoke those words. They were just sitting in his head. He hadn't known he said them aloud until he felt Emmett disappear from behind him.

Emmett smacked Ted with one of his mitten-ed hands. "Teddy, that's not very nice."

"He's right." Brian responded to cover for Ted.

"He still shouldn't have said it. It's uncouth. Like swearing in church."

Ted really didn't need to be preached to by his friend. "I thought He was all seeing and all knowing."

Emmett rolled his eyes at Ted never failing to become the Devil's Advocate. "When I invite you over to my apartment, do I allow you to piss, or squat, on the floor?"

Ted looked at Brian in confusion. He had no clue to the meaning of the metaphor. "Excuse me?! And thanks for the lovely image."

"There are just some things you don't do. Without explanation."

Emmett tried to reason with Ted, but it wasn't going over so well. "Like..." He began to think about another example.

Brian filled in the words. "Poking a bear with a short stick."

Emmett moved away from Ted to advance toward Brian and pat him lovingly on his biceps. The cashmere coat felt funny against his wool mittens. Brian even smelled nice and looked beautiful in his dark Perry Ellis suit. He thought it very odd that Brian felt compelled to dress up for his father. "Yeah. Exactly. Thank you, sweetie."

"Would you two like to be alone?" Ted felt as if Emmett was abandoning him by attaching himself to Brian.

Emmett wasn't smiling when he turned back to face Ted. "I don't like your attitude today. Am I gonna have to send you back to wait in the car, Theodore?"

Ted let out a nervous laugh shocked at what he had heard. "When did I become the bad guy?"

"Not the bad guy. A grumpy one. A stick in the mud is more like it." Emmett was done with Ted and his melancholy ways.

"Pole in the ass was what came to my mind." Brian replied only for Emmett to hear.

"You know, it does sound better, but his ass is much too tight for even a pole."

Brian was enjoying this side of Emmett. He almost thought that he could feel that he had someone on his side, instead of just Michael. "Ow-ch." He made a painful face to show that was very tight.

Ted felt more then abandonment. Emmett was being downright cruel. He almost turned to leave, but paused to confront Emmett. "Fuck you, Emmett Honeycutt!"

Emmett was at the end of his mental rope with his best friend. "No! Fuck you, Ted Schmidt! Fuck you and your holier-then-thou tone of voice. We can always count on you to be there with the bucket to put out all the fires we've tried to build. No one wants to be unhappy, but you cultivate it, sugar. Quick to shoot down every god damn happy, peaceful moment in our lives."

Brian was a tad bewildered to hear this much anger from Emmett. Something must have gone one while he was with Michael.

Ted couldn't believe his best friend was tearing him down in front of Brian. He was embarrassed enough. "That's my cue to leave."

"Perfect. Walk away. It's the only thing you're any good at."

Emmett was trying to goad Ted into some kind of reaction. "Stay for once."

Ted stopped right where he was and didn't move further. "How can you say these things to me?"

"How can you? How can I? I can because for weeks I've had to shut down emotionally for you. I can because I had to forget I ever had a friend named Michael in my life whom I loved more then I do my own self for you. I had to lock away memories and never talk about them out loud for you. I hid the pain in my heart for you." Emmett was building up his rage as tears pooled in his eyes.

Ted swallowed with difficulty. "I never asked you to do any of that for me."

Emmett nodded his head as he let the feelings come out he'd been shoving down his throat. "No, you're right. You didn't. You didn't have to because I already knew. That's what real friends do for each other. Even knowing ourselves better then we do. The day of the accident, at the hospital, you chose to distance yourself from Michael. Michael had Brian, Justin had Ethan, Linds had Mel and Debbie had Vic. Whom did you have, Teddy?"

"You." Ted's voice sounded small and distant. He was ashamed for what he'd done to Emmett.

"Me. Poor, pathetic, sappy, sentimental, loudmouth, perverted, flamboyant... me! Did you notice? Did you see me?" Emmett was crying fully now really working himself into a fit.

Ted just wanted to comfort his friend. He walked closer holding out his arms. "All the time."

Emmett knocked the hands out of his way. Now, Ted wanted to give him comfort, but it was too late. "Really? I asked you to come with me today because I figure you owe us. You owe me, you owe Brian and you owe God a debt of some fucking gratitude for being here. Standing on your own two feet. Alive and kicking! Bastard!" Emmett turned away unable to look at Ted anymore. He glanced at Brian with tears in his eyes. "Am I askin' too much?"

"No." Brian reached over to use his leather gloves to wipe the wetness off Emmett's cheek.

"I'll show you fucking gratitude!"

Brian went to protect Emmett with his body not sure what Ted was about to do. It wasn't what ended up happening. He stole Emmett's scarf and took off running like his pants were on fire.

"What the hell?" Emmett stared in amazement as an alien pod person ran off with his favorite neon scarf. "Is he doing what I think he's doing?" He wiped at his own eyes with his mittens clearing his view.

"He wants you to chase him." Brian saw Ted pop up, hide and then run to the next headstone. They were of all different sizes and shapes. Emmett followed where Brian was tracking Ted's movements as he stood still beside him. "Christ! Does he know it's zero degrees out here?"

"He looks pissed enough to have warmed up to run around like that."

Emmett then wondered if someone might be watching them from the house where the funeral director had his office. "We should stop him before he gets us in trouble."

Brian nodded his head in agreement. He took off his expensive sunglasses to prepare. "Two man tackle?"

Emmett took off his fluffy mittens. He meant business. "From opposite directions." He got down in a football player position. Brian began to think that Emmett had a history he never knew about. "High School Varsity?"

Emmett shook his head. "Dated a tight end."

Brian raised his head to acknowledge the believability of that comment. They counted down before they ran at light speed to find Ted and drag him to the ground. Ted was making strange "whooping" noises with laughter mixed in as his two friends were unable to catch him. He chose a particularly high headstone to hide behind as he tried to deep breath to fill his lungs. This was quite fun. See if they called him a stick-in-the-mud after today.

Emmett whistled for Brian when he spotted Ted just sitting in plain sight. He didn't know how to play the game very well. Brian swiped at the side of his nose and made a motion for Emmett to head toward Ted first, then he'd follow.

"Bonzai!" Emmett managed to tackle Ted successfully to the ground and sat on his back while grabbing for his scarf. "Victory is mine!" He held up his arms in a Rocky-like triumph.

"Oh... shit!" Brian's eyes widened in outrage. He backed away from where Ted and Emmett lay on the grass.

"What?" Both men looked about them. They thought, from the way Brian sounded, that they landed in a pile of dog poo.

"Get off me!" Ted struggled to surface from Emmett's weight. He was turning his body on the ground. Emmett helped him up and used his hands to take off leaves and dirt from his body.

Now, they had time to focus their eyes on what was spooking Brian. Ted was speechless. "Well, I'm goin' straight to Hell." He stepped off into the distance unable to believe their luck. Was it really luck, though?

"Pack for two." Emmett twirled around to walk over to Brian who couldn't believe his eyes. "You okay?" He laid a re-mittened hand on

Brian's chest. "Brian?"

Brian shook his head to look directly at Emmett. He wanted him to be Michael. The fear of God flourished in his eyes. "Uh, I don't know." He really didn't know anything at the moment. His mind was blank.

Emmett thought Brian looked as if he could see Jack coming out of the ground only to attack him. "He's somewhere else, honey. Jack's not here. What they buried was his vessel, not the real him. There's just a coffin under us. He's in a better place where he knows what he did down here was wrong. He can't hurt you anymore." He hoped what he was saying was registering in Brian's head. Emmett felt tears falling again. He griped onto Brian's arm holding him close to his side. "I won't let him near you."

Ted walked up to Brian's other side and placed a sympathetic hand on his shoulder. "He'll have to get through me, too."

Brian nodded his head while he looked from Emmett to Ted and tried to avoid the tears in his own eyes. "Thank you." He choked out as he went to wrap his arms around the shoulders of the most forgiving men he'd ever known. He tucked them under his arms pulling them into his grasp hoping they knew what they meant to him. He loved them for whatever they gave Michael whenever he couldn't be there. He pressed awkward kisses on their foreheads as they cried all together.

"Go ahead. Wait in the car. I'll be there shortly."

Emmett grabbed on for dear life to Ted. They seemed to hold onto each other for support. "You sure."

"This won't take long." Brian sniffed his way through his words and wiped at his own moisture covered face. "Gotta do this sometime, boys. I won't ever come back." He watched them leave him be, huddled close to one another keeping their warmth between them. "Okay, Mikey... do your stuff."

He inhaled the fresh cool air as he lifted his face up to the sky. Wherever Michael's spirit was, he wanted it badly to be right above him, or right beside him. He could sense the intense heat of the sun through the freezing breeze. He needed the pat on the back. "Where the fuck are you?" He screamed as loud as he could. "Michael... figures that you'd sneak away when I need you the most, but..."

He dropped his head to peer at Jack's headstone. "I know you're here... I feel you around me, despite not physically seeing you. How do you think it got me through nights in Jack's house? I just close my eyes and right away you were there. Holding me in your scrawny arms. Trying to protect me. Make me feel like I was worthy of being born."

He fell to the ground kneeling in front of the grave. "So, fuck you, Jack. I deserved to live. Even if it was just for one person. You called him every foul name you could, but in the end look who was stronger. Both of us, you shit! The fuckin' fairies survived your tyranny. You were a poor excuse for a father, Jack. You were nothing but a cruel, mean man who didn't deserve to be happy! You could have turned your life around. I wasn't the problem, you were. You were the enemy, not me. Time you fucking knew that!" He got up and took a longer look at Jack's headstone reading the words sculpted on the surface. How fitting they were for what he meant to everyone in his life.  
 **  
HE LEFT HIS SPECIAL MARK ON EVERY LIFE HE TOUCHED...**

Brian couldn't stop laughing. "Good one, Joanie. The last battle won." He was about to walk away when he thought about what he really wanted to do. He stepped right up to the marker, the tips of his boots touching the smooth stone. Brian's hands went to undo the belt that he'd put on this morning. It was worn red leather that had seen better days. It's reappearance was familiar to Brian. He knew this particular belt well. He snapped the length together like Jack used to do to make sure Brian knew he was getting a beating. "Thank you, Jack." He placed the belt down on the thick flat rim of the stone marker. "I love you, Dad." He tried to say the words without falling apart. If Jack had seen him this way when he was alive, he would have teased poor Brian relentlessly. "I hope... somewhere... your safe... and happy. I am... finally."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Emmett and Ted thought Brian needed a trip to their usual table at Liberty Diner. The boys were on their own side of the booth sharing a conversation. Brian eyeballed them while waiting for Debbie to walk over to take their order.

Debbie passed them by while speaking, "Hey, boys, I'll be right wit' you." She was carrying three plates in her hands on her way over to another table. She made sure her customers were fine before she came back over. Debbie plopped down beside Brian who scooted across the booth seat to make room. "How did it go?" She couldn't tell from their faces.

Ted decided he'd be the one to speak first. "We had fun." He smiled foolishly remembering the ridiculous game of scarf football they'd played.

Debbie didn't understand what they meant. "Fun? At a graveyard? Are you high?"

Emmett giggled while wondering what they should reveal to Debbie. "It's amazing what happens when a little emotional baggage is lost."

Debbie looked over at Brian who hadn't said one word. "You okay?"

Brian smiled to show he was better then he'd ever been in years. "I'm fabulous." He reached to plant a wet kiss to Debbie's pink cheek.

"Oh, my!" Debbie fanned her hand over her reddening face. "Careful or you might create a new rumor about your sexuality." She held up her pad of paper. "You ready to order."

Ted couldn't help feeling carefree. "We were born ready."

Debbie licked the tip of her thumb to turn another page in her order book. "Yeah. Uh-huh." She thought Ted had a strange, suspicious sparkle to his pupils. From this far, she couldn't tell how dilated they were.

Once they gave Debbie all their requests, she took off in the direction of the kitchen. Emmett glanced at Brian with a fake smile plastered to his face. He kept hitting Ted under the table.

Brian squinted his eyes at their antics. "What? What is it?"

"We thought... in gratitude for all you've done for Michael, in our absence..." Emmett was stuck on what he wanted to say. He felt Ted hit him and wondered what was wrong with him talking.

"Short story is..." Ted reached in between where he and Emmett were seated. He pulled out a small box. "Em's made this time capsule deal that each of us puts something meaningful, maybe an object you need to let go of, inside and we bury it somewhere together. Mark this moment in time, so we can go back years later and laugh our asses off."

"Last few things we need are from you, Brian." Emmett bit at his thumbnail hoping Brian wouldn't think the idea was stupid.

Brian was curious about Emmett's plan. "What have you got so far?"

"Ted put in an old CPA business card and a favorite porn tape which he claims is the final one." Emmett doubted the truth in the last item.

"I no longer need work to invade my home. I get enough dick on the job." Ted frowned at the thought.

Brian's eyes popped open in shock. "Not many of us can say that."

"And with a straight face, too." Emmett had been impressed by Ted's ability to abstain from all temptations.

Brian folded his hands on the table top. "What did you donate, Emmett?"

"A See the Light booklet with my name tag and one of my most treasured, ultra-smutty leather chaps."

Brian was interested in seeing this proof. "Really? They fit in there?" Ted raised the box for him to see inside. "Wow."

Ted patted Emmett's shoulder in empathy. "The sentimental, heirloom chaps are always the hardest to give up. I'm proud of him."

Emmett laid his head on Ted's shoulder. "Thanks, Teddy."

Ted nodded his head, then continued with the items on the list. "We hit a slight snag with some of Michael's items. Emmett kind of randomly chose these out of his night stand drawer. A Captain Astro issue #111, the magazine of the picture of the Dirty Dancing Swayze and some cassette tape with a mix of music."

"Cassette tape?" Brian held out his hand for the plastic case.

With advances of technology, Brian thought Michael would be more into burning mix CDs rather then still making tapes. This thing had to have been made years ago. "Those are good. Keep them. Can I have this?" He was already tucking the tape away in a safe place.

Emmett shrugged his shoulders. "Sure."

Debbie made her way over with their plates in her hand. She gave each of her boys the correct meal. She waited for them to reset their plates to make sure they were satisfied. "Can I get a refill for anyone?" She motioned to their glasses.

Ted overturned his mug for coffee. "Can I get some coffee, Deb?"

"Decaf?" Debbie raised her brows to inquire.

"Is it fresh?"

"No, but the cook is." Debbie laughed at her own joke and enjoyed the boys joining in, especially Brian. She looked next to the empty area where Michael should have been and felt an ache begin in her heart. Strangely, Brian knew exactly what she was doing as he reached out to give her hand a squeeze.

"Soon." Brian assured her as best he could.

"I know, sweetie." Debbie closed her eyes in hopes that Brian was right.

"You have anything for me to bring to the hospital?" Brian wondered if she'd been up all night slaving over a hot stove making the desserts she usually made for them. He also knew, should Michael wake up, she wanted her son to have something familiar to remind him of home and his loving mother.

"Uh, a box of lemon bars and brownies. If you don't mind."

"I don't. Give them to me on my way out, so I won't forget them."

Brian hadn't let go of her hand once since grabbing for her.

Debbie tugged her fingers back and tried to resettle her clothes back to right. Lately, she felt like she wasn't quite paying attention to much in her life. She walked away to head back behind the counter as more customers sat down.

Ted picked up his silverware digging into his meal. "Have you thought about it, Brian?"

Brian set down his fork and placed his right arm down on the table. He was about to take off the cowry shell bracelet on his wrist. Emmett quickly put out a hand to stop him. "Honey, no."

"I'm letting go of all the nostalgic, mushy crap like you two did. This thing doesn't mean the same anymore. Actually I've forgotten why it meant so much in the first place." He pushed the bracelet toward Emmett who picked it up like it was the Hope Diamond. He and Ted gazed at it affectionately in awe of it's simplistic beauty. He chuckled at their actions to the shell jewelry.

Ted went back to cutting his fish with his knife using one hand. "Have anything to throw in from Jack?"

Brian actually did have something in his pocket. He'd taken it for himself when Joan had asked him to pick out a suit for Jack to be buried in. He lifted his hips off the bench seat to reach inside the trouser pocket. "One of Jack's rings. I thought it might get me some quick cash." He twirled the dull sphere of gold between his fingers. "Could be worthless, too." Brian looked across to the boys. "Do you know how many times this damn thing cut through my skin?"

Emmett grew silent and could only stare at his food, then glanced at Brian to grin awkwardly. "Sorry."

Ted shivered, shook his head and swiped the ring right out of Brian's hand. "Piece of shit!" He chucked the ring in with all the other items.

Brian wondered if Ted knew he could be talking about Jack, as well. He thought he said the words that way intentionally. He placed his arms back on the table to contemplate Ted's reaction. "Might be worth a fortune."

"Jack Kinney would never spend that kind of money on his own family, much less on himself." Ted couldn't believe Brian didn't know his own father more better.

Emmett sucked in a quick shot of breath. "Uh-oh, what if it's some weird family heirloom, passed down through Kinney men. What's left for Gus?"

Ted wasn't disturb from eating his food. "Peace of mind."

"Amen to that." Brian unfolded his napkin to begin enjoying his meal with his new best friends.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Brian made his way through the hospital corridors with a different pace to his steps then before. Kind of freeing, in a way, to not hate or be angry at the world. He had a new set of memories, and thoughts, churning in his head. New ideas for a future he was actually looking forward to. And not just in a tomorrow where he knew he could score the next trick. Further into the days when he could bring Michael home.

He thought he could safely make it to the set of elevators when something sounded over the hospital's intercom system. An intense high pitched siren-like noise reverberated down the halls.

 **"Code Blue... ICU... Code Blue... ICU..."** The voice droned over and over in repetition.

Brian couldn't fly to the doors fast enough. The elevator button for UP lighted up and dinged as it made its way down. Christ! Michael!

Jesus! Brian hoped he could sprint fast enough. Hold on, Mikey, Brian prayed silently in his head, frantically pressing the arrow button about a thousand more times.

"Fuck!" He ran a shaking hand through his hair wondering how long he'd have to wait. A doorway to the stairs loomed behind him.

 **"Code Blue... ICU... Code Blue... ICU..."** Again, the call came echoing down the hallway sending Brian into fits of rage.

"Screw it!" He turned to open the door for the stairway trying to make it up several flights of stairs before his heart gave out on him.

Reaching the correct floor, Brian adjusted his eyes to where he was according to the monitored floor hallways. Using the elevators had made things so much easier, plus in the times before he hadn't been running the hundred yard dash. He was making his way to the ICU's automatic doors when he saw Ethan and Jennifer standing outside the door to Michael's room. He paced up to the button on the wall and crashed into the body of a young nurse.

Brian caught her in time before she fell on her backside. "Is it Michael?" The poor thing didn't know what she had done to be shaken so hard. "Tell me!"

"I dunno! Who's Michael?" She cried in honest confusion. She was only a nurse from another floor.

"Shit!" Gwen was standing at the nurse's desk when she heard the ruckus going on near the doorway. "Kim, it's all right!" She pulled the young girl out of Brian's tough grip. "Brian, it's okay! Let her go! It's not Michael!" She tried to put herself between Brian and Kim, showing the nurse she could go on her way. "Thanks, Kim. Sorry!"

Brian watched the concentrated commotion going on in the next room. The old man had been Michael's neighbor for all the weeks he'd been unconscious. Good God, could his heart hurt more or beat any faster? He closed his eyes to the sudden jarring of reality. "I'm sorry, Gwen." He couldn't control his breathing as Gwen placed a hand over his heaving chest.

Gwen rubbed at the soft material of the suit knowing she had that ability to be close to Brian. Screw her co-workers! "Hey, you didn't know. It's scarey isn't it? One minute we're here, living and breathing, and the next second wiped off this earth."

"He's gone?" Brian peered over Gwen's shoulder to the crying mess the patient's family members had become in the span of a few seconds. Thank God he wasn't in their shoes!

"It was his time, Brian. No one can change that." She needed to get Brian out of the way of the rolling crash cart and other medical professionals who'd come to help. "Come over here. We'll be out of everyone's way." She kept Brian tucked to her side, using her hand to rub his back in comfort. She needed to distract him from his near fatal heart attack. "Can I ask why you're dressed up?" She was admiring his fine form in the beautiful suit.

Brian fell back against the bare wall allowing his body to calm down and relax. Michael was fine. "Long story. I'm all better now."

He didn't seem to be.

Gwen looked at him in her motherly fashion, "You sure?" She didn't think he sounded any better. Actually, Brian looked as if he was going to crumble to tears in the next few seconds. "Hey! Hey! Hey!" Gwen moved to face Brian directly as he huddled on the wall. "Didn't you hear me? Michael's going to be fine. He's already recovered from the trauma. He's gonna make it."

"What makes you so sure?"

Gwen understood that Brian really wanted to know where she found her bravery in the midst of chaos. "You'd be amazed what letting go of a few fears does to you. Not really a take-no-prisoners attitude, but willing to believe in the miracle of others, in life, out in this mixed up spastic world. Seizing the day, living life as if tomorrow was your last and showing compassion where you know you have no control over the outcome." She drew her body closer when she found Brian bowing his head and covering his face with his hands. She wondered if the poor guy knew he still had a plastic bag of goodies in his hand. It crinkled as he moved.

"Christ! I swore I'd never allow anyone to make me feel this way."

"What way?" Gwen was interested to know his thoughts.

"Like I couldn't live without him." Brian finally lifted his head to show how many tears he had shed already. "I love him. I do... I do... I do..." He seemed to be saying the words aloud for the first time. Making sure it sounded right to his ears. He let his head fall back so he could take a full breath of air. "I'm just as pathetic as he is." He set his head back to face Gwen able to look at her in the face without hiding. "Are you happy now?!" Brian couldn't help teasing Gwen in her stupid romantic fantasy mind.

Gwen shed the tears she'd been holding back as she waited for the statement to come out of Brian's own mouth. She wiped at her cheeks as she laughed, "You're good for my soul, Brian."

"Wha-... What do you mean?"

"You make me look like the sanest person on the planet."

They shared in a few minutes of chuckling at her comment. Brian felt compelled to reach out and hug Gwen to his body. "Thank you."

"What did I do? It's my job." She didn't want to cry again.

"Bullshit, lady. You gave me Michael back. So many times when I thought it was better to let him go, or when I forgot what he meant in my life. You forced me to see things, forced them at me head- on." He tucked his face in her flower-scented mane of brunet hair. "That's not your job. That was you."

Things had quieted down, except for the family members of the patient crying in a muffled huddle near their doorway. "Go, Brian. Michael had visitors before the code happened, I think they might have stepped into the room. We needed to clear the area." She was about to leave him when he continued to hold onto her hand. "What? What is it?"

Brian smirked and cleared his throat. "Do you need a son?"

"Uh..." How the hell did she answer that? "It's a little late for the offering, Brian. My moment has passed, way back when."

He shook his head at her foolish attempts to avoid the answer. "Do you mind if he was some thirty-odd year old, washed up, pathetic, emotionally stunted and scarred, gay advertising executive who never loved his own mother?"

That was when Gwen finally understood Brian's question. She moved to hold Brian's hand to her bosom. "Why, Brian Kinney, you do have a way with words. I'd be honored and... proud... " Her hand went out to wipe a smudge off of Brian's cheek, like a mother would do. "I gotta go." She pointed a thumb over her shoulder. "Gotta get back to work." She was released with an ease to move back behind the nurse's desk.

Brian pushed himself off the wall to head in the direction of Michael's room as the visitors who'd been with Michael came out.

Jennifer noticed Brian, first, as she walked up to him enveloping his body into her arms. "Hey, honey." She placed a kiss to his jaw and patted his back in a motherly fashion. She let him go while trailing one hand down the opening of his jacket. "You look..." She didn't know which to mention first. The way he was dressed or the weird smile on his face.

"Happy?" Brian supplied the description for her. He nodded in the direction of Ethan. "Ethan."

"Brian." Ethan responded with the same nod. "Justin wanted some time alone with Michael. We're waiting out here." He tried to peek through the individual blinds. "He'll be there awhile. We'll be gone in a few." Ethan glanced over at the neighboring room where the code had taken place. "Did he make it?"

Jennifer followed the same path to view the distraught family members. "Doesn't look like it. Whew! That must be tough.

Witnessing their love one passing. Hope they didn't leave anything unsaid." She tried to shake her mind out of such sad thoughts.

"I hope I'm not chasing you guys out." Brian grabbed for Jennifer's hand to swing it free between them. He knew she would feel odd by his affection as he tugged her close.

Jennifer laughed nervously as she wondered about this new side of Brian. "You aren't, Brian. Molly has a school concert tonight.

We're taking her out for dinner. Giving her moral support. Ethan's been as nervous as she's been."

Brian didn't get what Jennifer meant.

Ethan could see Brian's confusion. "I've been tutoring her for months."

Brian then began to understand. "She any good?" He teased lightly hoping these two would come out of their shells. Had he really been that much of a tyrant? He tried to avoid Jennifer's personal attack on his arm.

"Brian!" Jennifer scolded Brian like she would have Justin for teasing Molly.

"Sorry." Brian rubbed at his sore muscles. He went back to finish his discussion with Ethan. "Think you could make a career out of this?" He plopped the bag in his hand on a nearby chair.

"The violin?" Ethan inquired while tucking his hands in his pockets.

"The music lessons." Brian spoke slower to become more obvious.

Ethan chuckled as he stepped back to lean against the wall. "Oh... sorry." He shook his head away from his awful thoughts. "I don't know where my head's been lately."

Jennifer felt she needed to keep quiet because what was going on in her son's life was his tale to tell. She turned to give Brian a goodbye peck on the cheek and a final hug. "I'm gonna head back to the car." She gave his arm a gentle squeeze. "Don't be such a stranger. Call once and awhile or come over for dinner. Okay?"

She wanted some kind of reply before she walked away.

"Will do." Brian reassured Jennifer as he released her to watch as she walked toward the exit doors. He casually stepped up to Ethan nearly bringing them toe-to-toe. "We're alone now."

"Yeah?" Ethan made his tone of voice sound as if he had no idea what Brian meant. Any other time, he would have assumed that Brian was trying to come on to him.

"Tell me the story. What's going on?" Brian placed a hand directly above Ethan's head on the plastered wall leaning in to him. "I would get the straight scoop from you while Justin would sugarcoat the problem."

Ethan smirked at Brian's keen perception. "I bagged the audition. The job was mine the minute I left. They want me packed and ready to travel by the end of next month. International touring company."

"That's great." Brian didn't know what the problem was about.

"Yeah, would be good news if Justin wasn't so willing to see the back of me."

"Don't you want to go? Isn't this something you tortured artists like to do?"

"I wanted it. It's been a lifelong dream. Few weeks ago I would have jumped at the offer."

"But?" Brian knew there was a piece of the story missing.

Ethan had wondered if this was his place to reveal Justin's medical condition to Brian without his knowledge. He let out a deep sigh and leaped ahead. "Justin's been suffering seizures. They found that's what caused him to lose control of the car. The headaches were the first sign, but the blackouts have been his brain's way of taking away the memories of having the seizures. He's working with the doctors to get on some new medicines. If they don't work, they might have to take him into surgery."

"That's a big might, Ethan." Brian watched the young man closely. He wondered if he could have been this strong at his age. "All this stems back to the bashing?"

"They said sometimes the residual effects can lie dormant for years. I can't leave him with this right now. He's putting up a brave face for me. Telling me I'd be giving up an opportunity of a lifetime." "You don't think he'd wait for you?"

Ethan shook his head slowly as he let the rawness come through. "I do believe he'd be patient. What I'm wondering is if he doesn't trust me enough to think I could take what he's going to be dealing with. Like he'd be saving me the hassle. As if taking a long trip will make me forget and make this easy."

Brian stepped back from Ethan as he contemplated what was being told to him. "What's the alternative?"

"The company has a smaller venue that only travels locally. I'd still get to play, but I'd be able to take care of Justin."

"Is that what you want?"

"What I want is Justin. Any way he'll allow me to have him. Fuck, I'm even willing to give up my violin, if that tells you anything." Ethan ran a hand over his face.

Brian squinted at Ethan and crossed his arms over his chest. "It does." He could see there might be another reason floating between them. "You don't have to worry."

"About?"

"Me."

"What would that entail exactly?"

"I'm not gonna lie and say I don't feel anything for him. Feed you some bullshit that we've both matured and moved on."

"Good. I'd think you'd gone soft." Ethan threw a smirk out.

Brian had to laugh at Ethan's candor when his guard was dropped. He could see why Justin had been attracted to him. "Not completely. Justin and I had a relationship that taught us both something new about ourselves. There's still feelings between us that we walked away from and never talked about. We were better for doing that. Our paths aren't crossing the other anymore, nor have they merged. We're at the stage where it's come to our minds that we'll walk similar paths, but in different directions. He's special to me. A part of the family. I will care for him in my own way."

"Care? Not love?" Ethan sometimes wondered who would Brian fall in love with. What was his dream man?

"If I had called it love, you'd be long gone by now."

Ethan liked Brian's frankness. He didn't like always wondering if something was going on between Justin and him. "I admit to being jealous. Not knowing if one day, when I was away..."

"That will never happen because it's not what I want any longer."

Ethan did a similar crossing of his arms. "Does Justin need to know?"

"He already does. For quite awhile."

Justin chose that moment to open the door and come out of the room. His face was red and marked by dried tears. Some were still left in his blue eyes. He weakly smiled over at seeing Brian. "Hey, Brian."

He floated over into those familiar arms. He gripped onto Brian's shoulders as he cried softly into the jacket of his suit. Justin lifted his head using the ends of his sleeves to wipe at his face. He didn't even notice when Brian reached up to help him. "Who's funeral?"

Brian rolled his eyes at Justin's innocent curiosity. "I felt like it. You okay?" He framed Justin's face in his hands trying to see into his eyes.

Weakened by deep emotions Justin held onto Brian's arm as he shook his head. "I've been better. How do you do it, Brian? I could barely be in the room ten seconds without crying like a baby. He looks like a kid in that big bed. He's so warm, though."

"He gets me through it." Brian explained simply while clearing his throat.

Ethan pushed himself off the wall to walk up to Justin. "You ready?"

"Yeah." Justin couldn't bear to look at Brian. The guilt still lay heavy on his back. "I'm so sorry." He choked out on his way to the doorway with Ethan keeping him close to his side.

Brian couldn't watch them leave when Justin still thought he was to blame for any of this. He needed to find a way to release him from the emotional cage. Right now, though, he couldn't wait to enter the room. Reaching for the bag of goodies, he opened the door slowly, hoping this time Michael would turn his head and say something to him. Nothing happened, but he came in anyway.

He stepped up to the thin dresser they placed on one of the walls of the room. He placed the bag of desserts on the dresser. On top sat a small boom box where a few compact discs and cassettes lay spread out. Brian had brought the stereo to set a particular mood or relax and remind himself of the history he and Michael shared. Music basically shaped their lives. At more times then not, each lyric seemed to fit a part of them. Explain the unspoken feelings neither man could expose for fear of being ridiculed.

He stood at the tall dresser as he patted his suit jacket. Where had he put that cassette tape he took from Emmett and Ted? He felt the familiar plastic case and opened it immediately to play. Brian thought to walk away from the stereo thinking he'd hear the song list on the inner paper cover.

Only something very eerie and strange came over the small speakers. It sounded like a microphone being set in an audio jack. The recording speakers made an odd sheering shrill noise as a throat was clearing.

**HEY, BRI! GUESS WHO THIS IS? SORRY, THAT SOUNDED REALLY STUPID. WHO ELSE WOULD IT BE? HUH? WELL, I WANTED TO GIVE THIS TO YOU BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR COLLEGE BUT THINGS DIDN'T REALLY SIT WELL BETWEEN US AS YOU WERE MAKING PLANS . . . WITHOUT ME. JESUS, I PROMISED MYSELF I WOULDN'T DO THIS, BUT I GUESS THERE'S NO SENSE IN LETTING PEOPLE DOWN, ESPECIALLY YOUR BEST FRIEND. WHICH I HOPE WE STILL ARE AS YOU'RE LISTENING...**

Brian could only stare at the stereo in shock. What had Michael done? It sounded like he was making a tape of music and speaking during the cuts of each song. Giving a certain memory to each of them. He looked down at the filler paper list of music again to wonder what kind of things Michael was going to record. The bands and the names of the songs spanned nearly their entire relationship.

From their first meeting until this past two years when Justin had come into their lives and shook their foundation. Through it all Michael had something to say. Brian never allowed any of the songs to sink in his head to take in their meaning.

When he flipped the tape over to the second side he discovered a more mature sounding Michael of the past five years speaking as if he had meant to continue this tape on purpose.  
  
 **I FOUND THIS DAMN THING SITTING IN A CORNER OF MY DRESSER DRAWER. I DON'T KNOW WHY I DIDN'T SEND IT. I DON'T HAVE ANY IDEA WHY I HELD ONTO IT. AND DAMNED IF I KNOW WHY I WANTED TO SEND IT TO YOU IN THE FIRST PLACE.. I THINK I HAD HEARD MA SAY SOMETHING ABOUT STARTING AN AUDIO LETTER WE COULD PASS ON TO ONE ANOTHER. I TOLD HER YOU DIDN'T EVEN LIKE THE SOUND OF YOUR OWN VOICE AND IN TYPICAL FASHION SHE SMACKED ME FOR GETTIN' SMART. I THINK I MUST HAVE GOTTEN CHICKEN AND KNEW THAT I WOULD NEVER HEAR FROM YOU AGAIN. KNEW YOU DIDN'T HAVE THE TIME TO INVEST IN SOMETHING LONG TERM LIKE THAT. THE FOUR YEARS WERE OVER, YOU CAME BACK AND I STILL HAD A DORKY, EMBARRASSING TAPE OF MY PATHETIC SELF MISSING YOU. JESUS! THEN I BEGAN TO WONDER IF I DIED AND THEY CLEANED OUT MY ROOM, PACKED ALL MY STUFF AWAY... WHAT WOULD I HAVE TO GIVE TO REMEMBER ME BY... AND SOMEHOW I REKINDLED MY IDEA INTO A NEW ONE... LEAVE YOU MY LEGACY IN SONG...**

Brian turned back to face the view of Michael in the bed.  
 ** _  
_YOU'VE ALWAYS KNOWN HOW I FELT WITHOUT ME SAYING ONE WORD, BUT SOMEHOW WE SEEMED TO SPEAK BETTER WITH MUSIC. DESPITE EVERYTHING... THE YEARS WE'VE BEEN BEST FRIENDS... THE TIMES WE SPENT TOGETHER... THE DAYS WHEN YOUR REJECTION HIT ME LIKE A BRICK... I'M STILL STANDING AND I'LL BE HERE... YOU KNOW, WHEN EVER YOU COME TO YOUR SENSES... SORRY, I KNOW THAT SOUNDED SAPPY AND PATHETIC, BUT, YOU SEE, THAT'S ME AND I CAN'T CHANGE THAT... I DON'T CARE ANY MORE. YOU'RE PART OF ME, YOU'RE MY WORLD, YOU'RE MY EVERYTHING AND I LOVE YOU... ALWAYS HAVE... ALWAYS WILL.**

The music started and Brian let the tears flow down his cheeks. He went to take off his suit jacket and threw it onto a nearby chair. He took a few steps closer as the songs played in the background. The next thing to come off was his tie. That was thrown up in the air and landed on the floor. Brian toed his shoes off and left them under the cot as he continued to stare at Michael.

He sat down on the slim mattress and undid every single button down his cotton shirt. Underneath the shirt was a muscle t-shirt he used to keep for added warmth. Right now it was itching his cool flesh. He peeled that off over his head. He shut his eyes when a certain lyric hit him hard as he could finally comprehend what Michael was trying to tell him. He finally understood. He had always known, deep inside, but the clouds were finally opening up for him.

He stood up to unzip his trousers. Without the belt, the move was simple to do. When he was almost nearly done stripping, Brian was left with a silk pair of boxers on. Gwen must have made them keep the heaters on overnight again. They were letting the room cool down. He picked up the thin blanket that he used to cover himself at night and wrapped the material around his shivering body.

The final item slipped down his thighs and fell to the tiled floor in a pile of expensive silk. Luckily the side rail had been lowered so he had easy access to crawl into bed beside Michael. It was an awkward deal to maneuver, but he managed to get himself safely tucked within Michael's flexible grasp. They were right. He did feel warm. Shutting his eyes so he could better enjoy the blend of music, Brian enveloped his legs and arms about Michael's trim, tight frame.

He set himself lower down Michael's body and made to lay his head under his chin resting comfortably over his chest. Even from the left side, Brian could hear Michael's strong heart beating. Brian brought up a hand to rest on Michael's other shoulder to caress the soft skin. "Guess who I saw today?" He paused as if allowing Michael to speak. "Jack. Can you believe it?" He waited for the imaginary reply. "Yeah, it was pretty sweet. I finally told him off. You'd have been proud of me." Brian reopened his eyes as the next song played through the speakers.

Feeling the sudden rush of emotions flow through him, Brian could only hide his face back under Michael's chin and softly allowed the tears to escape. So many nights were spent like this when they were younger. In the dark, Brian knew he was loved as he felt those familiar arms squeeze him tighter and tighter. Almost like they couldn't get close enough.

"Don't leave me... now." Brian could barely speak as he said the words into Michael's hospital gown. "I lov-... "

Despite Michael being unconscious he could almost sense those arms wrapping about him tighter. What he didn't realize was that this was no dream. Michael was waking up, bit by bit. Michael's lips moved as he quietly comforted his best friend. "Ssh, it's okay. I'm fine." He wasn't used to Brian completely falling apart in his arms like this. He tried to find other ways to grip him. "Good Lord!"

Michael found himself tearing up as he couldn't bear to see Brian this way.

As his shoulders shook with years of turmoil, pain and lost feelings, Brian wept like no other time he had before. He was being allowed to release burdens that never should have been placed on his shoulders.

And as the music continued to lull their scene unfolding, Brian blended his tears into laughter. He latched onto Michael's neck and brought his face for handy access. Gooey kisses were being poured over his entire head.

"How long was I out?" Michael chuckled as if he was simply being tickled. He thought maybe this was a dream of his own making.

Brian was in his bed, but the room looked strange.

Brian paused in his affectionate measures as he just held Michael's head in his two hands. Silently he thanked God for this moment. "Long enough." He'd done this plenty times before, but this time was different, more precious. He lowered his lips toward Michael's quivering ones. What followed was the most explosive blending of two souls who belonged together.

Michael was sad to see Brian lift his head off of him. "Hmm, I should go away more often." He reached up a hand to wipe at the moisture on Brian's cheeks.

"No, you shouldn't." Brian hovered his mouth over Michael's in anticipation of a repeat of their kiss. Always willing to discover perfection. "Not if I have anything to do with it." He moved to resettle his body completely over Michael's frame. "You won't be leaving for a long time." His nose tapped Michael's nose tip and he trailed his breath over his beautiful face. "Next time... I'm going with you."

"Don't say that." Michael didn't like those morbid thoughts entering

Brian's head. "Did you miss me?" He felt like teasing.

"Like crazy." Brian finally touched his lips to Michael's skin. "I missed you." The tears began to fall again. "I'd rather be dead then without you." Next came the final reason he knew Michael had been waiting for... all these years.

Michael had always wondered what Brian said when he bent down to the ears of all those tricks he picked up. And like the typical party boy he was, Brian leaned down to Michael's ear and whispered them over and over... until they both were a mass of sad, sobbing, pathetic queers.

 **  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~THE END**


End file.
